It’s one of those things that you are never really prepared for isn’t it? Leaving the proverbial nest? Yet here I am, my little truck packed down as much as it can hold, my best friend Alex at the wheel, waiting patiently. He knows this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. So he sits, and waits, unlike the impatient man he is, until I can get it together.

“I just can’t stay here with her. You understand don’t you?” My eyes seek his, praying that it will be understanding I see instead of miserable dark anger. He’s always understood me. Always. When I was growing up, it was always he who understood me. It was always him who would figure out through my muddled logic what reasons I had for doing what I had to do.

And yet, standing here in the rain, tears running down my throat as I refused to let my face betray me, there was confusion. “Stacy, this isn’t what it has to be. I can build a wall. I can make you a private entrance. What about your siblings? It’s right before Christmas. You can’t leave now.” Visions danced in front of my former life. Christmas with my grandparents, my siblings, my mother hugging us each as we come to sit on the blanket in front of the tree. Handing out presents to each of the children. Waking up early with the kids to make coffee and waffles for my parents. Big Christmas dinners with real pink hams and red cherries all over them. I almost tell him yes. Yes I would stay, and would go on with the charade. This is when Alex’s impatience paid off. He shifted and wiggled, drawing me back to the present and away from my memories of Christmas past.

“I’m sorry, but I have to go. I told you. It was her or me. You seem to have made your choice.” I look past his shoulder to the woman on the porch. She’s gaunt now and shrinking. I’ve never seen her look so sick. Or perhaps it’s that I have never truly seen her. In my dreams she is always larger than life. Always a giant ready to seek and devour me for the smallest mistake, accident or wrong deed. Today, she looks tiny as she leans against the rail, dragging away on a cigarette. I thought about taking up the habit once. She always looked so beautiful doing it. I always wanted to be beautiful like her. To exude the confidence and grace of a goddess. Luckily, I also realized it was an expensive habit, and I already had too many of those.

“Stacy, you can’t. Not now. You have to think of someone other than yourself. It’s Christmas, damn it!” He looked so tired. He’s always been a small and sickly man, but right now, he looked near to death. His skin stretched tight around his face, gray protruding from the raven hair that he always kept military short.

“I have to, Daddy,” my voice cracked. The tears threatened then, but I swallowed them back. “Alex is waiting. I’ll be home on Christmas Day, okay?” With that, I hugged him close, and turned. My sister Megan looked at me. “Stacy, you’re going to be here for Christmas right? We can’t open presents without you! It’s a tradition!” She drew out tradition. Traditions are always big with us. We try to do things the same way every year.

“Of course Meggie-beth! I’m always home for Christmas. I’ll see you then.” With a wave goodbye to rest of my forlorn siblings I jump into my truck. Alex knows better than to speak when I push him out of the driver’s seat. No way am I giving up anymore control in life. It’s already far enough out of my control as is.

At this point, it might be good to back up and punt, as my friend Scott would say. My name is Stacy Ann Rae. Or at least it is now. I’ve been called many things. Who would know that Stacy is such a hard name to remember? I get all sorts of names thrown at me. But that’s beside the point. I have a tendency to chase rabbit trails, in case you haven’t noticed. I am 22 years old at the time of this writing. I have a heck of a story to tell, or so I’ve been told.

I won’t promise this will always be interesting, I can’t promise this will always be truthful. All in all I am a truthful person, but sometimes this will be my memories, and what are memories other than lies that we decide to form about a situation. Embarrassing memories are eased, successful memories are embellished, and painful memories are either eased or worsened according to time and personality type. So, this is not the truth. This is the truth. Your call.

I'm breathing, and learning. I hope that everything is going well for you all. I'm just getting settled back into the routine of school and work and the balancing act that is life. I realize that right now my body is reacting funny to all stimuli, so if I seem off, I apoligize. I think that once I get used to it, my body will calm down and everything will go back to normal.

It's all good!

Love~

Surgery. I'm headed for surgery.

I've got to go.

Love~

I'm breathing. And my hand started working again, so I can type. Things are not improving but I'm getting used to it. it's not that big of a deal. I'll be done soon. Only a few more weeks. Thank you.

Love~

I am me.

I am a Christian. I am not ashamed of that.

Yes I am ashamed of who I am. I know that my heart is too hard, and that I am not enough. I know that I am a sinner saved by grace.

I do not know what grace is. 

I do not understand salvation.

I believe in Hell.

I do not believe in Heaven.

I believe I may have a place in Hell reserved because of my past. Yes, I know what I used to do is sin, and that it was horrible. I do not need you, or any of the God Squad to tell me that.

I know that I am a thorn in most people's sides. I know that I can try to make up for that.

I know somethings I've done can't be forgiven or forgotten by the people that I've done them to. 

I know that I am April, and apperantly that is an adjective, noun, verb, and adverb.

Yes, I also know I can't spell.

I am from the mountians.

I am not a weak girl.

I am not a soft person.

I am just me. I can't be everything to everyone. I can't even be what I need to be for me. I understand this, and am working on all the issues listed.

Love~

Our university is going to get together and pray at 10:00pm Eastern Standard Time for the families and the tragic victims of the Virgina Tech Massacre. We are also going to pray for the other students at this school, for them to feel a protective hand of God around them. We would love it if we could get a group of other believers to pray with us.

Thank you.

I'm still here.

Well guys, It's 2007.

I am alive and well. I read Jeremiah 31 today, about the promise of God in the new covenant, and I realized that this year will be better. 

2006 was a heck of a year. So many things happened. I was looking over my old posts the other day and I realixed how much I've changed and the people around me have changed. I am so blessed. I have way more than I deserve. I have a father who loves me immensely and would give his last breath if it meant I would be happy. I have siblings who look up to me, two brothers who would defend me even if it meant taking out some really big guys, and two sisters who think that I hung the moon. I have a non-biological sister who keeps me striaght and loves me no matter what. I have a nonbiological brother who loves me so much that he will fight me and teach me.

I have friends who love me. Who love me enough to let me love them. It's amazing.

I have a Lord who gives me most of everything that I would ever want let alone need.

It's a great great thing.

Just thought I would share.

Love~

I am alive, but at home. This might make the first statement a lie soon.

Love~